“…Mr. Rosen?”
“Hi, yes, good morning, that’s me. Uh, hello.”
“Good morning, Mr. Rosen. Welcome to The Sanford & Sons Company. My name is Amanda Neukenende-Kitchener with Living Capital. Follow me, please?”
“….”
“Oh. Permit me to explain. At SSC we find that the term ‘human resources’ is too impersonal and objectifying. ‘Living Capital’ does our entrepreneurs much more justice. I will be conducting your first interview today. Ah, here is the conference room, please have a seat anywhere you like. Would you care for something to drink? Coffee, water, tea?”
“Some water would be nice, thank you…I’m not sure I follow, I applied for a client advisory position. Sorry…’entrepreneurs’?”
“Absolutely. Mimi, please bring Mr. Rosen a glass of Perrier. As you are no doubt aware, The Sanford & Sons Company provides top-end analytical services to our clients. We are generally retained by highly prestigious firms, and as part of our service we require the maximum creativity and effort from our employees. SSC expects its employees to exhibit the utmost engagement and creative drive in the execution of their projects. Like entrepreneurs they are judged on the success of their deliverables, hence the title. Did you not have the opportunity to inform yourself about SSC’s structure in the preparatory packet we sent out to candidates, Mr. Rosen?”
“Er, I…I…packet…?”
“Yes, now I see. Midlands Business School. We only provide informational materials to candidates from tier one institutions. Ah, your water. Shall we begin?”
“Ah, er, sure, thank you, I, er, please call me Don.”
“Mr. Rosen, the process will consist of 7 portions. A Living Capital assessment, which I will conduct, will decide whether you will proceed to round two. This is followed by three interviews with Junior Entrepreneurs working in our main banking, industrial and mangement functional groups. They will then reconcile their impressions of you based on your performance, and may recommend you to three third-round interviews with Senior Entrepreneurs. You will be evaluated on a combination of your cognitive and quantitive abilities, your presentational technique and composure, your interpersonal skills, and your appearance. As a friendly piece of advice, in the event you are good enough to advance to the next round of interviews, please be aware that The Sanford & Sons Company follows a very strict dress code.”
“I…er…yes, I…”
“Mr. Rosen, please don’t worry, I’m sure you can find a suitable tie. Now, you are aware that you will be competing with a large number of highly qualified and experienced candidates. Please tell me why you decided to apply to The Sanford & Sons Company.”
“I…I’ve always wanted to work with clients to help them succeed and I love financial analysis…I…er…”
“Yes, yes, I’m sure. Now, you have significant experience presenting to senior management?”
“I suppose..I guess…strictly speaking…I attended several presentations by my project leaders and prepared a lot of presenta…”
“I’ll mark ‘no’ in that case. This would be at which of your prior employments? At the department of vehicle registrations or..”
“That was a summer internship during my undergrad…”
“..Please don’t interrupt, Mr. Rosen. Or at ‘Friendly Realtors’, or I see here you worked at Rosen, Rosen and Rosen.
…
Excuse me, Mr. Rosen, but is that the Rosen, Rosen and Rosen?”
“Well, uh, yeah. The bank.”
“You do of course realize that they are a major client of ours. Are you by any chance related to….”
“Yup, those are my dad and my two uncles. They let me intern at the headquarters from time to time before business school.”
“…!
Why, Mr. Rosen, that is excellent, yes, we are truly privileged to have someone of your caliber apply here. I assure you, this won’t take but a few minutes. I apologize, but I must fill out this form, hee hee, I’m sure you understand. Would you mind if we proceded to the next questions or are you pressed for time? I wouldn’t want to cut into your lunchtime.”
“Oh, no problem, go right ahead, people always ask me that, I’m used to it. Oh, thanks for the pen!”
“Er, Mr. Rosen, uh, I, uh, I’m supposed to hold that out for you to…er…yes…uh…where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Probably in a management job here, otherwise I’ll just go back to dad’s company.”
“Oh. I see…I, er, we value ambition and openness at SSC. I’m sure we can skip the part about what you think your past managers’ impressions…er…what position did you say you held at Rosen, Rosen and Rosen, sir?
“Nothing big. Uncle Freddie let me sit in on consulting company sales pitches now and then, he wanted me to give him my opinion on whether we should take them on board. I didn’t like most of them very much, they were all so stiff.”
“I….er…how do you mean?”
“Oh, they all seemed like they were trying so hard. That, and they really all looked like they needed to get some sleep.”
“Er….Mr. Rosen, I…certainly! I…uh…what would you say your greatest greatest weakness is, he he?”
“Oh, easy, bullets!”
“….I…bullets…”
“Normally I stop them with my teeth, you see, but there’s always the risk of someone being too good a shot. That, and kryptonite!”
“Ah, ha ha, I see, that’s very funny, heh heh, Mr. Rosen, I’m sure we don’t need to bother with the rest of this interview, I assure you our Senior Entrepreneurs, I mean, the Partner Group will be happy to sign off on your contract….”
“Contract? How do you mean?”
“Oh Mr. Rosen, you are a very qualified candidate. It would be an honor to have you on board at The Sanford & Sons Company. I believe we can come up with a very attractive compensation package!”
“Oh right, I get it. No, don’t worry about it, Amanda, do you mind if I call you by your first name? I’m actually only here for the interview practice.”
