“Hey, Roy? Roy! Yo, Roy!”
“The fuck you want, Gummo?”
“I told you, don’t call me that, jackass. My boots are hosed. Yeah, lookit, the sole’s all coming off. So I…”
“Uhngh, dude, I’m trying to sleep. Why do I give a shit?”
“..need a new set of boots. C’mon man, just tell me what I gotta do to get another pair?”
“Ah geez, I don’t know, ask Sarge. Now fuck off and let me sleep.”
“Hey, Sarge, you got a minute?”
“Yeah, I s’pose. What is it, Hufflepoke?”
“My boots are shot, Sarge. Can I get another pair?”
“Let me have a look…shit, Hufflepoke, can you please stop trashing your gear every chance you get? Fill out this form, I’ll take it to the Ell-Tee. Actually, put in for five pairs, I think stores is runnin’ low.”
“Sir! Sergeant Knobrocker requesting a moment of the Lieutenant’s time, sir!”
“Just a moment, Sergeant. All right, come in. At ease. What do you want?”
“Lieutenant Wartpuncher, I got these requisition forms, some of my guys need new boots.”
“Great, just what I needed, more paperwork. Let’s see…what do you guys keep doing with all those boots, anyway? We should just go ahead and request a full replacement batch, I think the Captain’s getting tired of all these piece orders.”
“Captain Gooseheart, sir, here’s the report you requested on Bravo Platoon.”
“Right, Lieutenant, let’s see…latrine maintenance trend positive, I like the progress they’re making on their personal cleanliness medals, and..hmm…full replacement batch for your boots? That’s going to look terrible in our monthly statistics. Dismissed.”
“Captain Gooseheart, what the hell is the meaning of this spike in personal equipment requisitions? I’m waiting for your explanation.”
“Well, Colonel Pieflinger, I don’t know what to tell you, it must be the weather, it’s pretty hard on our gear.”
“Humph. This puts us into divisional budgeting category D. If the General gets in a bad mood over this, I’m having your ass, Captain, understood?”
“…and that, General Pugshave, sirs, is why I propose launching a full equipment readiness upgrade initiative for the 17th. My staff have gone over this in detail, and we believe a near-total re-outfitting from the ground up is the only way to ensure compliance with regulation 247-B-59 Foxtrot 669.3. General?”
“Colonel Pieflinger, bringing your regiment into compliance with 669.3 means we can’t just ignore the other units. Oh well, I suppose you’ve made your case. You’ve got until tomorrow to put together a presentation for the Secretary for me justifying a full divisional reequipment project. Thank you, this meeting is adjourned.”
“General, you’re asking me to go to the President with this…this meshugge of a budget? Do you understand what you’re proposing? Do you?”
“Secretary Hasenpfeffer, I…”
“…you’re asking me to overturn decades of military budgeting policy for the purpose of transforming a single division of the United States Army into some sort of best-of-show special case? Well forget it, I say! This country’s military can’t afford primadonnas! And then you tell me that without this, we will completely lose the fighting capacity of a key part of one of my best corps?”
“Well, Mr. Secretary, we don’t…I mean, you have to see that…”
“…Bupkis I have to see! This means we’ll have to nearly double our projected force upgrade project budget. And gevalt, you do realize that we outsourced our logistics to that Canadian outfit? Do you? They’re based in Edmonton, and you’re going to tell me you expect them to deliver five full army corps’ worth of equipment in mid-January? Those putzes are probably all getting drunk at the hockey rink! Get out! Out of my office! Oy veh, I don’t want to know how President Mufflebodkin is going to react to this…oy veh..”
“FIVE ARMY CORPS? ALL THEIR EQUIPMENT?!? CONGRESS IS GOING TO EAT ME ALIVE! GET OUT OF MY OFFICE YOU IDIOT!”
“And that, ladies and gentlemen, Madame Speaker, is why I respectfully ask you to approve the distinguished gentleman from Oklahama’s Defense by Unifying Military Buying Activity Special Services amendment to the mid-season interim armed forces budget. We anticipate that the increased needs for funds can be compensated by over 20% through a reduction in subsidies for American hand-cranked washing machine manufacturers, seeing as how there is only one such plant in the United States, which neither employs any workers nor has produced a single unit since 1978, and to 80% by shifting logistics activity to our competitively priced Central American partners…”
“Welcome, Ambassador Putamadre, I hope you are well? What can I do…”
“Mr. President, my government is very concerned about this increased American military transport activity in our neighboring country’s principal port. You must realize that this sort of thing is a threat to our national sovereignty and commercial interests in the region….”
“Mira, Alfonso, los yanquis vendrán para este rincón para alla. Es una oportunidád de golper estos gringos imperialistas de CIA…mira los camiónes, dispara! Dispara! AHORA, puta mierda!”
“Señor Presidente Mufflebodkin, no tengo, I, ah, assure you, er….”
“Ambassador Putamadre, I consider this baseless, unprovoked attack on a strategic resupply convoy at Culo Verde an act of aggression against the United States military. The fact that the ambush occurred near your border with our allies, and bears all the hallmarks of the FNORK guerillas that YOU support, bears no explanation!”
“….”
“And that, ladies and gentlemen, Madame Speaker, is why I ask for your vote in responding to this cowardly act of aggression against a vital unit of the United States military in the midst of our most vulnerable period in years, while completely reorganizing our armed forces, by issuing an immediate authorization for the use of armed force..”
“Hey Sarge, what’s up? Something cookin’?”
“That’s right guys, we’re shipping out to Central America, gonna go kick some ass, looks like. Get your gear ready, fall-in at 0430.”
“Goddammit, Gummo, what’s your problem? Get outta my bag!”
“Shit, Roy, I need some glue to fix this thing. Ain’t that typical army? Going to war, and I still ain’t got a decent pair of boots…